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January 06, 2004
Wiggled To The Brink Of Insanity
Over New Years, I spent a few days with friends, including a couple of wonderful 20-month-olds. As much as I love spending time with the young 'uns, they come with a dark encumbrance. Most children below a certain age seem to be part of the cult. For those who haven't guessed already, I'm talking about the Wiggles.
For the uninitiated (and you live in a truly blessed state of ignorance, might I say), the Wiggles are four incredibly dopey Australian guys who have built a world-wide following of awe-struck pre-adolescents. Although popular for many years in their home country, they have only recently popped up state-side. The Wiggles love to sing and dance and merchendize. If you doubt the last point, skip on over to Amazon, select "All Products" in the search box drop down, type "The Wiggles" and click "Go." I dare you. I double-dare you. My friends' son Devin, a wonderful child who generates more energy between breakfast and his afternoon nap than your average quasar, received roughly two metric tons of Wiggles merchandise for Christmas this year.
There are four Wiggles, easily distinguishable by the color each wears. Murray, the red Wiggle, plays the guitar and makes more stupid faces than Bill Cosby eating a box full of pudding pops. Greg, the yellow Wiggle, sings the lead and does magic tricks, like pulling new Wiggles merchandise out of this hat. Jeff, the purple Wiggle, plays the keyboard and has the distinction of being the only lazy, unindustrious Asian character in the history of television. Anthony, the blue Wiggle plays the drums or something. He's really pretty dull.
As though the four Wiggles and their Wiggle car and their instruments weren't enough to fill the shelves at Toys 'R Us, there are also Wiggle friends. There's Dorothy the Dinosaur and Wags the Dog and Henry the cheap-looking plaid Octopus and Captain Feathersword the Gay French Pirate. (I KID! I KID! For all I know, he's actually Portuguese or something...)
The Wiggles videos are must-own material for parents who need some time to themselves each day to read the paper or shower or use the bathroom. The Wiggles videos are Toddler Heroin. You just pop one in and the kid is entranced. The effect on adults is somewhat more like bad acid cut with rat poison. The songs are stupid and repetitive and they get stuck in your head to the point that you feel like removing them with a power drill and a 3/4 inch spade bit. After a while, your brain begins to twist the words so that you hear the Wiggles mocking you. "You poor, dumb bastard! If only you could eject this tape and smash it without your kid pitching a two hour tantrum... Oh, wait, is that the sound of our merchandising people cooking up another thousand bucks worth of Wiggles toys? Just in time for the holidays. Try getting this song out of your head before bedtime, beeyatch..."
Yes, the Wiggles are evil. But, then again, so was Sponge-Bob and Barney and, hell, our parents probably thought Sesame Street and Captain Kangaroo were evil, too. Now, it you'll excuse me, I'm going to remove the Cartain Feathersword ditty from Devin's Wiggles toy guitar from my head with a cold chisel...
Posted by Dan at January 6, 2004 08:51 PM
Comments
LMAO...true. I have three kids, and two love these rich Aussies and I will indeed tolerte it mainly because it's helping my 18 mo old learn to talk. Ha. But now I will never view them again w/o remembering your review. thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: Beth O at January 20, 2004 03:59 PM
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