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January 07, 2005

Federal Judge: Mouthwash Does Not Equal Flossing

In New York today a federal judge took time out of his busy schedule to inform the mouth-breathing masses that, no, rinsing with Listerine is not the same as flossing. In a spectacularly worthless case brought by a dental floss manufacturing unit of soulless, evil consumer products conglomerate Johnson & Johnson, U.S. District Judge Denny Chin ruled that an ad run by the Listerine unit of callous, money-grubbing pharmaceutical giant Pfizer was "misleading and poses a public health risk." Chin was apparently concerned that the ad could lead the 40 or 50 remaining Americans who still floss regularly to start using nasty, alcohol-laden mouthwash instead, proving that even the federal judiciary believes that people who floss are shmucks.
James J. "Whitey" Bulger
Federal fugitive and regular flosser
During the time it took the American legal system to adjudicate this profound matter, ten of the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Fugitives remained at large, issues of constitutional law ranging from gun control to gay marriage remained unresolved, and Judge Judy ruled on an entire season's worth of small claims suits and domestic disturbances.

Posted by Dan at January 7, 2005 03:04 PM

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