Dan's View On The World

With My Strongest Recommendation

I drove down to Boston and saw Fahrenheit 9/11 with friends today. If you haven't made it out to see this movie, go. If there are no theaters showing it where you live, then get in your car and drive however far you have to drive. The movie is just that good. Michael Moore chronicles the actions and inactions of the Bush administration in the days, weeks, and years following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 with biting wit and uncommon humanity. The film is obviously heavily biased towards Moore's point of view, but it's every bit as fair and balanced as an evening of Fox "News."

Step 1: Be Easily Amused; Step 3: Profit

Ever been driving down the highway, listening to your own music from a CD or an iPod, and you notice that another driver in a passing car is drumming on the steering wheel and the rhythm matches what you're listening to? You know the chances are tens of millions to one that the other motorist is listening to the same song. But it's still fun to imagine that the old white lady in the Cadillac Seville is also listening to Girls, Girls, Girls.

How Do Guys Named "Lay" Get Along In The Big House?

CNBC is clearing the decks and CNN's Lou Dobbs is girding himself for a week-long pontificate-a-thon in light of the Houston Chronicle's report that federal prosecutors are only days away from seeking an indictment of former Enron CEO Dr. Kenneth Lay. Orthopedists from Houston to Washington, D.C. are canceling vacations and postponing their tee times in anticipation of a rash of injuries as Justice Department officials vigorously pat themselves on the back.

In spite of the Vice President's best efforts to the contrary, it's not exactly a secret that Ken Lay had a huge hand in shaping the Bush's administration's energy policy. Noted good old boy Pat Wood, III, who Bush also appointed to the Public Utility Commission of Texas before making him chairman of the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission, rubber-stamped the industry-friendly rules that allowed Enron to rape and pillage its way to the lofty precipice from which it fell. So forgive me if I become a bit nauseated by the sanctimonious rhetoric of the right-wing punditry establishment as they throw Ken Lay under the wheels of the Bush-Cheney '04 Express. I further seek your indulgence as I roll my eyes when they pretend that bringing fraud charges against the man who presided over the largest case of fraud in the history of the world is some sort of accomplishment. Quick, is it too late to impeach Bill Clinton again?

How Do You Define "Bloodthirsty Weasel"?

So now Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld wants to quibble over the definition of the word "torture." Kind of makes you nostalgic for the good old days of arguing about whether oral sex constituted "sexual relations."

The Puppy Lives On

I met some friends and went to see Skinny Puppy at Avalon in Boston last night. After years of various trials and tribulations, Ogre and cEvin Key have reunited to record a new album and tour. We stopped at Crossroads on Beacon Street for a couple of preparatory beverages. From there, we made our way into Avalon just in time to not hear a single note from former Nine Inch Nails drummer Chris Vrenna's new band Tweaker. The show was a good mix, featuring three or four songs from their new album plus a lot of old favorites like Human Disease, Smothered Hope, Worlock and Tin Omen. The crowd was interesting, to say the least. Mixed liberally throughout the hoards of gothed-up college kids were middle-aged people looking highly out of place in black shirts and leather pants that they probably hadn't worn in 5 years. My personal favorite was the two guys wearing dog collars and spiked hair who were showing each other baby pictures by the bar.

The World's Most Difficult Game Of Bingo

everything sucks less when viewed through the lens of nostalgia

Ronald Reagan has now departed for the great photo op in the sky. In preparation for the upcoming orgy of renaming every available government building, school, bridge, intersection and cul-de-sac after the fortieth president, the barking heads of American conservatism are rushing to their knees to fellate Reagan's painstakingly revised and sanitized legacy. Over the coming weeks, the 1980's are going to become such a magical time in history that we'll all wish we'd actually lived it.

In preparation for the onslaught of fawning interviews and gushing retrospectives, I've constructed the world's most difficult game of Bingo. Seriously. Print out the attached Bingo card and play along as the great luminaries of the right slather Reagan with credit for every significant American achievement since 1981.

B	I	N	G	O
Dr. C. Everett Koop	Attorney General Edwin Meese	Crack Babies	Trickle-Down Economics	H.I.V.
House Un-American Activities Committee	Iran-Contra Affair	Beirut Marine Barracks Bombing	Black Monday	B-1 Bomber
Tower Commission	Air Traffic Controllers	MX Missile	Adm. John Poindexter	Just Say No
Colon Polyps	Mujahideen	Lt. Col. Oliver North	Where's The Beef?	Lawrence Walsh
Deficit Spending	Challenger Disaster	Star Wars	Director William Casey	Grenada

Consumer Reports Rates It "Must See TV"

Ralph Nader's smiling visage adorns this ugly-ass green pickup truck

OK, I'll be the first one to throw it out there: Wouldn't it be great to have a reality show where Ralph Nader is made to believe that he won the election? Can you imagine anything funnier than watching one of the world's hall of fame whiny, self-important, left-wing bed-wetters strut about, convinced that he had just been elected leader of the free world? Then you throw him into a series of progressively more ridiculous situations. I see a few possible story arcs:

1. Bush contests the election and demands a recount. Of course, the recount is not completely conclusive, so everything winds up in court. The Supremes get involved. Just when it appears that the conservative majority is about to hand a second straight term in office to George W. Bush, Justice Clarence Thomas suddenly defects to the other side in a press conference where he also declares himself "Soul Brother Number One."

2. Nader tries to move his legislative agenda forward. As he's trying to attract swing votes for a bill that would raise the minimum wage by $14 per hour and the marginal income tax rate to 65%, he is invited to a private meeting with key Republican Senators. After hours of difficult negotiating, the Senators decide to go out for Chinese food and they drag Nader along. Once at the restaurant, they start ordering scorpion bowls. Next, they move on to a karaoke bar. Some time after midnight, Orrin Hatch makes a pass at Nader.

   "Yeah, man, power to the people! Now all aboard the magic green pickup truck!"

3. In the classic reality TV tradition of bringing back departed participants for an encore appearance, Winona LaDuke returns and demands to be named vice president. When Nader tries to explain that the Constitution bars him from unilaterally naming a new vice president while the sitting veep is still fit to serve, LaDuke repeatedly offers to accept less influential positions. Eventually, she's dragged out of the Oval Office shouting, "Secretary of the Interior, Secretary of Commerce, Ralph, I'll take anything!"
   

This could be bigger than Survivor!

Also Introducing Vice President RPG Attack

The headline that appeared when I opened CNN.com this morning:

Interim Iraqi president picked

The picture beneath the headline:

A plume of smoke rises from Baghdad.

CNN: America's most trusted irony source.